Ultraviolet (Old; my first movie review)

This is what would have happened, had you seen Ultraviolet. You walk into the movie theater. You find some seats, towards the middle, with a nice view of the screen. You sit down. The opening titles for the movie come on. The opening credits are in comic-form. You think to yourself, "Was this a comic? I don't remember it." It most likely wasn't a comic, but the directors liked the way it looked when Spiderman did it, so they decided to do it themselves. Violet begins describing her life. Or something. You can't really tell, because your mind has already shut off all un-needed tasks, such as paying attention to the movie. You hear some gunshots, or something. Were those gunshots? Who knows. You wake up. Where am I? Oh yeah, Ultraviolet. You whisper to you friend "Was this movie good? My mind seems to have shut off." Your friend doesn't answer, you lean closer, and realize your friend is bleeding from the ears, eyes, and nose. Apparently your friend's brain shut off more tasks than your's, such as not bleeding from the ears, eyes, and nose.

So anyway, the movie was terrible. The "plot" made no sense, and they kept throwing in new concepts. Were there humans, hemophages, and vampires? Or were the hemophages vampires? Wait that kid kills all the hemophages, or humans? He's dying, or she is? .... Wait, she's a hemophage, a vampire, and a phoenix!?!?

All the fight scenes in this movie were choreographed something like this. Violet (That's the main character lady, if you haven't caught on yet) walks into a hallway, or a big empty room. There are somewhere from 15 to 30 guards, all armed with guns or tasers in the room. Violet says something like "You're... gonna... die." and then the guards charge at her, shooting, and then she slices them all up in about 30 seconds. She walks into the next hallway, there are 30 guards in there. She pulls out her double-square-guns, ducks to the floor, and twirls around shooting. Glass armor explodes everywhere, and after about 30 seconds of twisty cameras, all the guards are dead. Repeat this 40 times, throw in new hard-to-swallow concepts and gadgets and "plot"-twists, THE END.

The only redeeming quality in this movie was Milo Jovovich's superb acting skills.... Wait, what? Did I say Milo's acting skills? I meant Guard #27. He sunk his line "Unnhhh" perfectly. Right on cue, Guard #27, right on cue.

Towards the end of the movie, after all the main characters have died about 30 times each, and are somehow (inexplicably) alive, Violet goes into a big complex to rescue Morpheus... I mean Six. She's rescuing Six. (Six is some ultra-weapon thing that kills people... or vampires... or something. He's a 9-year-old boy who has some virus thing.... Oh, hell, I don't know!)She passes a couple hundred guards, and comes to the check-in counter. She steps on the weapon-scanner, which brings up on a hologram display about 30,000 guns. "Weapons found... Many!" Says the quirky voice of the computer-program-lady, and the guard gasps before Violet pulls out her double-square-guns, and kills everyone there. Thank you for that blatant Matrix rip-off, it added quality beyond belief. (If you don't know what they're ripping off of, think of the end scene of The Matrix, the first one, where Neo goes into the building to rescue Morpheus, and when he comes to the gun-scanning place, opens his jacket, revealing all sorts of guns. The guard gasps and says "Shit" or "Phooey" or something, before Neo pwns his face off.)

I would love to stay and rant, but my mind is still numb from having been peed on by the producers of Ultraviolet.